Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
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Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
They’re the worst 😩
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead