I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
You Might Also Like
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Butt weight. There’s more!
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
i wish i could marry a nap
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.