My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.