Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time