Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The fall of Netflix
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app