My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you