WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀