I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
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My therapist after every session
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
incredible text to wake up to
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me too 😆
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.