teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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me, too, girl. me, too.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
People buying plungers never look happy.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.