If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.