When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
This makes total sense…
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.