My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.