I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
WHO DID THIS?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
when nothing goes right… go left
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY