Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.