Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.