Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.