I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Not helping
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
reviewed some movies recently
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.