We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Netflix and you sit over there.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.