Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight