“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
💯😂
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.