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[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”