told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.