you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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Single and childfree like Jesus
Love is always patient and kind.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
✌️
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.