Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*