Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently Iβm 8 years old.π€¦π»ββοΈπ
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911: 911
Me: Iβm being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: whβ
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you canβt just call βdibsβ
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[Police station]
Me: βNot sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.β
Cop: βThatβs right buddy, and if we donβt get it back to the transplant center by noon, they wonβt be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?β
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
No idea who she is but I want her to know Iβm a huge fan and supporter of her work β¨
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesnβt have amnesia. She owes you money.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.