I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
every single time
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.