I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car