Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.