Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Good morning y’all ☀️
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.