“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Pat is about to own someone
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank