“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.