Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Pat is about to own someone

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Livid.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank