“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.