If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
the battle rages on
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
The prophecy is fulfilled