When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir