When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
can you read it!!??
maan!
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want