Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Bring back the McRib
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-