Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
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same bro
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.