Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?