@Jermaine1st

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

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@Thomas1774Paine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

@OneFunnyMummy

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

@pilau

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

@Rollinintheseat

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@GrantTanaka

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

@0point5twins

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”