I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken