[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My life in a nutshell
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies