Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.