I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Best spot.. 😅
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.