The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.