The Friday File.
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Breaking news:
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Easy enough.
SF is the wild wild west man
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
X-tra spooky blend
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.