if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.