I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.