Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*