Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Good point.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂