SF is the wild wild west man
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Gemma Correll
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
why would tinder want me to say this
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.