ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do