Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”