Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.