Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.